Charlie Knows What To Do In A Fire
by SisiDraig
Summary: Charlie meets a friend called Ralph the Lighter, who just wants to be loved despite the fact he's always burning things - Charlie has a brainwave to help Ralph and it's all okay because Charlie knows what to do in a fire... he thinks.


**Heya! **

**A/N: okay, so i created a forum _ages _ago, where you make up a name for a Charlie book - there's _loads _of them posted now and some of them are sooooooo funny. Anyway, (thanks to Beechwood0708) I suddenly felt the urge to try and write a lil' story to go with the title.  
The title for this one came from BRITANIA CONTROL 1.0! - Thanks for the inspiration!**

**SORRY: Excuse the many made up words ("_melty_" to name just one - it just seemed right, whether it exists or not)**

**D/C - Charlie belongs to Vince Noir (NOT DIXON BAINBRIDGE)! Despite what it said on the only released book! The ones in the Weetabix boxes are the _real_ Charlie stories!  
****  
Also; shameless steal from Albi The Racist Dragon by Flight of the Choncordes!**

**Sisi...xx**

* * *

The sky was misbehaving by being green instead of blue and the sun was a vibrant shade of purple instead of it's usual yellow. There were penguins flying through the air and sheep holding complicated discussions about the theory of relativity because today, unlike every other day of the year, sheep were clever, penguins could fly, the sun was purple and Charlie was naughty.

Charlie met Ralph the Lighter on the way to a fancy dress shop (he'd been planning on dressing as the grim reaper and strolling around the local old people's home).

"Hi." said Ralph the Lighter, his orange, flaming head bobbing about in the gentle breeze, which smelt suspiciously of computers. "I'm Ralph the Light. Who are you?"

"I'm Charlie." said Charlie, holding out a sticky, bubblegum hand to Ralph the Lighter. He took it and Charlie jumped back (well, as much as a giant piece of bubble gum can jump back) in pain. Ralph the Lighter's firey hand made Charlie's own, pink hand go gooey and melty.

"Ow." Charlie said, "That was mean!"

"Sorry." Ralph the Lighter apologized, "I forget that everything I touch gets burnt."

"Everything?" Charlie asked, a cunning plan forming in his _Hubba-Bubba _brain.

"Everything." Ralph the Lighter nodded glumly. "It's so sad. I just want to be loved."

"What if I told you there was a place you could go and people would love you if you burnt it down?"

"Really? Is that a real place?" Ralph the Lighter asked excitedly.

"Yes, come with me Alf."

"Ralph."

"Whatever."

Charlie moved quite quickly for a hefty, great lump of bubblegum and Ralph the Lighter had to run very, very quickly to keep up with him, which is hard for a lighter with no legs.

"Slow down." he called.

But Charlie wasn't listening. The plagiarising business was in his sight.

"Here." Charlie smiled, when they were stood outside the doomed building. "Just go in here Ralph and head butt a few things."

Ralph peered up at the building, his tiny black eyes blinking nervously in his firey face.

"But I don't want to burn this down. It's my favourite cereal."

"_Coco Pops _are better." Charlie assured him, shoving Ralph the Lighter in the back. The tiny lighter stumbled and fell headfirst into the building.

"Oh no! Oh no! I feel terrible. I've never set a building on fire before. People are going to hate me! This is the worst moment of my life!" laughed Ralph the Lighter, as the _Sugar Puffs _building went up in dancing blue flames (because the flames were misbehaving too under the light of the purple sun).

"It's okay. I know what do in a fire." Charlie promised, "If you're not in a forest, you have to get on the floor and curl up into a ball."

"Isn't that thunder and lightening?" asked Ralph the Lighter.

"No." Charlie didn't need to listen to Ralph the Lighter. He knew what to do in a fire. "That's it everyone," he encouraged, to the crowd of people running from the burning building "crouch down in a tiny ball."

Miraculously, there was only one casualty of the blue fire; a furry, yellow, plagiaristic bastard by the name of the _Honey Monster._ And just like Charlie had promised, Ralph the Lighter became very, very popular amongst some slightly crazy people called 'Boosh Fans'. (He was even more popular than Charlie!) Ralph the lighter was invited to all the cool parties. He had a different woman every night and even made friends with a Mr Splif, who took him on a journey through time and space whilst never leaving his living room (but that's another story for another time). Ralph the Lighter even managed to retain his popularity despite a tricky incident involving a family of petrol-soaked cotton wool.

Charlie didn't like how popular Ralph had become. He was a very, very jealous bubblegum. The final straw came when Ralph the Lighter came first on the NME cool list, whilst Charlie didn't even make the top 50. So, one day, when Charlie was thoroughly fed up of Ralph the Lighter's superior popularity, Charlie blew Ralph out.

**~The End~**


End file.
